What She Taught Me
This week, my grandmother turned 90 years old. We will gather on Saturday, all her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great, great grandchildren, to honor and celebrate her life. She’s an amazing woman and it’s hard to sum up all the ways she’s touched my life, but this week I’ve been thinking a lot about her and trying to isolate what it is about her that stands out so much and makes her such an amazing woman.
She’s all the things that grandmothers are, loving, patient, kind and sweet. She’s always ready with a hug or a kiss and spoils each of us certainly. But, to me, there’s something beyond that which sets her apart and has forever changed my life and the many children, not just her own, with whom she has interacted with over her 90 years.
My grandmother is a hugely gifted person. She’s just the kind of person that a GT Magnet would have been perfect for if it had been offered when she was a young girl growing up in Sea Grove. She can watercolor, she can sew, she can garden, she can play piano by ear, she can sing, and she can fix anything… with or without a manual. Her home was always beautifully appointed with embroidered pillows and wall hangings, hand sewn drapes, luxuriously healthy ferns, picture perfect roses she cultivated and various watercolors depicting scenes from the Outer Banks, her favorite spot to vacation with my grandfather.
As grandchildren, most of us had very young, and consequently somewhat financially poor parents. My own mother had me when she was 18. Money was always tight in those days for me and for my cousins’ families. My grandmother demonstrated her love for each of us by making us beautiful clothes, all from patterns she would pick out at The Remnant Shop in Burlington. While we would occupy ourselves looking at the toys in the pattern books and drawer after drawer of magical buttons, she would thoughtfully pick out patterns in classic designs and quality fabrics that she would then meticulously transform into beautiful clothes for us, clothes of such quality you would never dream they were handmade. I remember once she even made me a bathing suit!
She also had a knack for growing beautiful flowers. My love of gardening can be directly linked to her. When friends visit my house and talk about my impatients, I am always reminded of me and my cousin Matthew standing in my grandmother’s back yard with the hose in hand “helping” her as she watered them. One weekend before heading back to college, I was admiring a big pot of mixed impatients on her back porch. Without missing a beat she said, “Why don’t you take it.” So generously, she gave away this beautiful pot that she had cared for and nurtured from a little flat of sprouting plants. It transformed my run down and dark college rental front porch into a homey, warm entrance. My love of gardening was born and since that time, I’ve always kept a little something blooming close by to brighten up whatever space I may be calling home. My now seemingly natural sense about when plants need more light, more water, or more feed comes straight from all those years in her garden and the many phone calls since to troubleshoot. The reason I can name so many flowers, trees, shrubs and plants is directly because of Mamaw.
I gotta admit the truth here too, even though I am supposed to be the ultimate “enforcer” of rules. My grandmother was my accomplice on some serious truancy over the years. Those early elementary years had a few trials and tribulations, namely the divorce of my parents which manifested itself in some predictable insecurities. I confronted my doubts and fears as so many kids do by developing the tried and true “stomach ache” ailment. What was my mom to do? She had to get to work and there I stood in the apartment kitchen, gripping my waist claiming a cramping pain like maybe I would vomit or worse, have diarrhea. Since Mamaw had once been a nurse and she thankfully lived close by, momma would take me there instead of to school. Mamaw would promptly put me in bed in the middle bed room and tell me to “rest.” I’d lay there until about 9:30 and then I would hear the door creak open slowly. She would look in on me, the magic in her eyes and say, “You’re not really sick, are you.” Within the hour we would be at Mann’s Department Store running errands. Now that I’ve finished more years of advanced schooling than I care to even remember, I know that those days I skipped out of Dick and Jane to spend one on one with my grandmother didn’t hold me back. Through the wisdom of retrospect I can see now that the hurt little girl trying to make sense of her parents’ divorce was finding a way to get the nurturing she needed to make it through. Mamaw was there to administer the “cure” to my stomach aches with her quiet and steady love.
Sick days weren’t the only time I spent at Mamaw’s. Like many of us cousins, Mamaw’s house was what we considered “home” as kids. Most of our parents were divorced which meant moving a lot and separation from any constant place to call home. There was Shawnee Manor Apartments, Greenbriar Apartments, Friendly Hills Apartments, Westlake Condominiums, Beacon Hill Apartments…For me, the house on Main Street in Graham is what I think of when I think of “home.” I had another grandmother so you may be wondering why Mamaw’s house was the one that drew me in and where my cousins and I always wanted to be. I can only attribute it to the way Mamaw treated us. When I was at my other grandmother’s house there was a certain hyper vigilance about her manner. “Don’t take the food in the living room. Don’t spill your juice on the carpet. Don’t put your feet on the couch. Don’t use the dish towel to wipe up the floor. Don’t put too much soap on the rag. Don’t touch those, they might break.” It was kind of unnerving. Mamaw Rogers’ house was the total opposite. My cousins and I spent hours of creative exploration there, our every idea being nurtured with Mamaw giving us the tools to transform idea into reality. When my cousin Jennifer and I were maybe seven or eight at the oldest, I remember Mamaw showing us how to sew on the sewing machine. We were making skirts for Barbie out of left over lame from the live nativity costumes Mamaw made each year at First Baptist. The fur from the wise men’s robes became mink stoles for Barbie and her gang. There was no apprehension on Mamaw’s part to hand over her sewing machine to us, though I’m sure we jammed it plenty of times pressing the pedal too fast on the zig zag stitch. We did cross stitches till our eyes went cross. We hooked rugs! Her paint brushes and water colors were generously handed over to us along with the expensive pressed paper for us to explore and experiment mixing colors. I’ve played with her makeup and her nail polish more times than I can remember and you know what that means, nail polish on the carpet!!! Jen and I used to pull out all the office supplies and play “school” for hours. Mamaw never said a word. And the forts! I still remember the purple quilt that we used to drape over chairs and couch cushions in the living room to make our fort. Nothing was off limits at Mamaw’s.
And I certainly can’t fail to mention her patience! There’s the kind of patience one thinks of when you imagine kids whining or begging (I did my share of both of those…there was that Afghan Hound dog of Barbie’s that for some reason I just HAD to have)…but this is a different kind. My grandmother never grew weary of listening to me or my cousins yammer on and on and on. The topic didn’t matter. Sometimes we were acting out plays in the living room. Sometimes we were making up cheers in the kitchen. Sometimes we were plugging through Silent Night on the piano or worse yet, improvising on the keys ad nauseum. Lord! When I think of the number of children who have run straight to that piano upon arriving at Mamaw’s to begin pounding away…I don’t know how she stood it. In all the years I’ve been witness to these things, I don’t recall ever hearing a shush from her. I don’t remember her ever saying, “Why don’t ya’ll go play outside, I can’t hear myself think.” In fact, when I think about it, I can see the sparkle in her eye as she watched, delighting in our creativity and our zeal. To this day the phone bill will demonstrate that sometimes she spends hours “listening” to us. From break ups to breakdowns, Mamaw has put in so many hours being there for each of us. Thank goodness most phone plans now offer free long distance.
And while all those things above undoubtedly illustrate how amazing she is, there’s something more. I think all the things I have described above are very important to anyone who has or works with children. Being generous, providing a fertile playground for creative minds, setting an example by nurturing your own creative self and of course being patient and loving, but there’s something else about Mamaw that makes her unique and has made all the difference in the lives of her children, her grandchildren and I think it’s a safe bet to say that it will also ripple out to her great grandchildren and great-great children. Mamaw is a person who has always believed in me. There is nothing I’ve ever imagined doing, or dreamed of doing that Mamaw has warned me against (other than driving off to South Carolina to see some red neck boyfriend, but that’s not what I mean). From her and from my mother as her daughter and her other children as my aunts and uncles and her grandchildren my cousins, I have always received the message, “You can do it.” I never really realized what a gift this was until I reached adulthood and began to interface with people who lacked confidence in themselves. I can see now that all her listening and all her nurturing of my creativity conjoined with her fierce commitment to quality in all things be it fabric or roses or most importantly, character, blended together to provide a breeding ground for a family of really special people. Each of us has stumbled through our own periods of self doubt and personal failures, but the difference has always been that steady and constant message of love for us and faith in us that every time helped get us back on track. I never was able to really succumb to my darkest self doubts because her belief in me, in its stillness and sureness was always more powerful. Why a silly girl who got D’s in Biology her freshman year in college would think that she could pursue a doctorate from UNC-Chapel Hill is really quite illogical when you think about it. After all, neither of my parents even finished college? What was I thinking? Who did I think I was, anyway? Why I am the grand-daughter of Ruth Rogers, and I can do anything!
So the lesson from Mamaw is this: be creative, create a beautiful environment to enjoy, love people when they need it even when they can’t ask for it outright, see the magic in children when they bang on the piano, and most importantly believe in your kids. Who knows where our kids can go in this life and what harm is there in aiming high? Giving children the gift of believing in themselves can make all the difference.
